I've been corresponding with a newbie, Nicole, who will be starting chemo tomorrow.  Sometimes I am amazed at how easy my words come in telling people to remain upbeat, to hang in there, that it's not all that bad.  I have to almost chuckle....who is this talking like that?  9 years ago, while I was the picture of positive attitude on the outside, I was working with everything I had to keep it together.  I was a wife, a mom, a teacher, and all of those things still went on.  Everyone commented on how inspirational I was, how easy it was for me.  Little did they know that I was playing a mind game with myself.  If I told myself it would be OK, it would be.  That's the only way I knew how to get by.  It worked for me, most of the time. Minor meltdowns, all hidden from others.  I hope it works for Nicole.

I'm rereading that paragraph...minor meltdowns...yeah, all except the night my hair was falling out.  That was a monumental meltdown.  My mother was on the phone from Connecticut telling me I needed to go to a shrink.  I was telling her my hair was falling out.  I didn't need a shrink.  Oh my God, my hair was falling out.  It was the worst thing I can remember about chemo...and there were some doozies.  I was so afraid of looking like one of those pathetic cancer patients.  That would mean I would have to admit I was one.  Everyone in my life knows "I do not do sick."  I buck up and will not let illness get me down.  I hate sick people.  Now, not only was I a sick person, I looked like one!  It was so disheartening.  But once it was sahved off and on my kitchen floor, and after my head got over that unbelievable pain (it really does hurt), I felt powerful.  But the actual losing of the hair...........it sucked........it sucked big time.

Nicole, I'll be with you tomorrow, if only n my thoughts and prayers.